Scream and yell

AhhHHHHHH! Yes that is my written scream of frustration and disappointment and annoyance! I can't take it any more and since there is no way I can scream within my house without someone thinking I've died, I will scream here.

AHHHHHHHHH!!! I'm so sick of seeing the status updates of engagements, count downs to weddings, count downs to getting a place of your own and count downs to births of babies! I'm 24, most of my friends are around that same age so why are so many of them doing this! Okay, I can understand the getting out of your parent's house but the other crap? Seriously? My very first college roommate is about to have a baby and is married and guess who wasn't told as it was happening? Me. I found out through facebook, send her a message and she never replies. Another friend just had a baby, other friends are married with babies, or getting married or getting pregnant or something. Seriously people whatever happened to just living life? We're young, we should still be enjoying things, going places, having fun not having babies!

Am I bitter that friends are starting real lives? Yeah, maybe a little, but at the same time I'm partially appalled at the rush into things. This isn't a great economy to be having kids and getting married so why would you do so without having a steady job and income? And when I say steady job, I mean a real, full time, adult job that you go to five days a week for eight hours a day. Not something where you go in when you want or for only a few hours at a time.

Grrr.... AHHHHHH!

Been a long while...

Wow, it's been quite a while. I was sitting here reading back through some old posts and I realized what an idiot I have been in the past few years. So much drama about things that didn't really matter, or that shouldn't have been such a huge deal. So what, a guy broke up with me. It wasn't the end of the world and I lived. I'm over it.

As for right now, yeah work pisses me off sometimes, but I still love working with the kids. Yes, school is annoying, but I have a semester left before I walk and then I get to start my masters program. I'm moving on with life, albeit at my own pace, but I'm working on it.

Now onto other matters - my current love life (because we all know that's all you people care about lol)... I'm currently dating possibly the most amazing guy I have ever met. His name is Joe and, even though I hate to jump the gun, I think this one might actually be the one. I get kind of scared saying that, even thinking that because so many times I had hoped a guy was going to be it and in the end never was. But it's been four months and I love him more every time I see him, think about him and talk to him. He sent me a text last night saying that he missed me and just wished he could have me near to hug :) . I'm completely happy with him and I'm praying that this feeling never changes.

I just get so frustrated and annoyed when I'm on facebook and I see so many of my friends married and starting families and here I am, still living at home and still in the beginning stages of a new relationship. Sometimes I just wish that parts of my life had turned out differently. Why didn't I do things sooner, why didn't certain things work out when they were suppose to... and then I think, well if things didn't happen the way they did, I might have never met Joe, or some of the amazing people I currently call my friends.

Anyway, I'll try to post more but no promises.

It's been a while...

Okay, so it truly has been a long time. I think the last time I wrote here I was either still dating Mike or had just broken up with him, either way the break up was awful. It was the first time I had been broken up with and it sucked to say the least. After that I went back to Marc, which I will never do again, then Shaun, which was a bad idea (the boy cried more than I did) and now I'm single again, but already looking.

I know, I know. So soon? Yes because being in a relationship is part of my personality as a Libra. I need another person to play off of, to make me remember that I am human. I just wish I could relate to another person in such a way that they don't annoy me, or whatever it is that happens that makes all my relationships end. I told Katie that I needed to find the male form of her and then I would be set. The Holmes to my Watson so to speak.

I hate the whole dating, trying to date, awkward, don't know what the other person is thinking shit. I wish I could just read people's minds; it would definitely make things easier. I've met a bunch of people, but the majority of them seem like sleazes and assholes. Why is it so hard to find a good guy out there? Someone who will get you and understand you and not go overboard. I just don't get it.

I lost track of where this was suppose to go because I walked away, but I'm sure I'll return to it at some point.

Motivation...

Of all the things that I've been thinking of lately one of the things that has been most prominent has been my motivation. What is it, where does it come from, what is it pushing me to? Do I even have the right type of motivation to get me to where I want to be?

So for those of you who don't know, here is my goal:
I want to work with kids, teenagers to be specific. But not just your typical everyday teenager. I want the ones with problems, and not the 'I'm not popular, I don't get what I want' type problems. I want the real bad ones, the ones no one else wants, the ones who everyone else has given up on. Those are the ones I want to focus on, those are the ones that I want to help and encourage and bring to a better place in their life. I believe that adolescence is the only other time in a person's life (besides original basic development) that you can have a deep impact and change a "troubled kid" for the better.

So motivation. Here we go:
I remember being younger, maybe 8 or 9, and seeing the movie Renaissance Man with Danny DeVito. I loved the movie, but it wasn't until I was older and in high school that I finally realized why. DeVito's character is supposed to be teaching a small group of army soldiers how to comprehend. Instead he ends up reading Hamlet with them and explaining it all to them. However, before we get to that part, he tells them to write an essay about why they have joined the army and these kids come back with some of the saddest stories I had heard until that point. One talks about how his kid sister was killed, another how she never really had a home. DeVito's character during the course of the movie reaches them in a way that I want to be able to reach kids. He changes their lives, shows them that there's more to life than what other people tell them.
Two summers ago I interned at a group home for teenagers in the court system. I was assigned to one of the girl's houses and I became quite close to them. Their stories were awful, but I will never forget Jenna. Her parents didn't want her. It's as simple as that. Her parents just didn't want her and so she became a problem child in school - getting into fights, smoking on school grounds, stealing, cheating, etc. Finally a foster family decided that they wanted to adopt her. At the same time that this decision was made, it was found out that two of the main caretakers in the house, whom she had actually grown close to, were leaving. This hit her hard and so she began acting out. Because of that, the foster family decided a week before adoption that they couldn't handle her and didn't want to adopt her. I cried that night. I still remember her running into the house, and into her room, slamming the door. I was sent in after her as the main caretakers talked to the foster parents. She wasn't crying, she never cried in front of people. I sat on her bed and just waited until she decided it was time to talk, and when she did she finally cried. She was hurt so badly. No one wanted her and she didn't know what to do or how to be in order for someone to love her. It broke my heart to pieces, and still does even today. I think about her often and I send up a plea to St. Jude to take care of her. I hope she hasn't ended up in jail or worse.
I watched Dead Poet's Society and was so inspired by Robin Williams character and the way he impacted the lives of those boys. How he inspired them to pursue their dreams and own ambitions. "Oh Captain, my captain." He showed them the world was more than what their parents said or that the school let them see.
Nebraska passed their safe haven laws to include kids all the way up to 17. In the first few weeks, of the 10 kids that were dropped off at hospitals, only 1 of them was a toddler. It breaks my heart when I think of that. Teenagers remember that, and don't know how to deal with it, and so turn to peers who don't know how to handle problems like that any better. Foster parents get burned out and many a time people just don't know how to handle these types of things.
Bang Bang You're Dead, another movie where the only person who really cares about the "kid at risk" is one teacher. That teacher says "when you label a kid at risk, you've just created a kid at risk" "why don't you decide who you are before someone else does" and other such inspiring quotes. You listen to what Travis Adams says in the videos he creates in the movie and you hear a teenager crying out for someone to help, to listen, and do show that they actually truly care. But one person is not enough. Teenagers need a support system in order to function in today's society and they aren't going to get it solely through the school. They need more.

So there it is. My motivation. I believe in the achievements of all teenagers, regardless of their past history. They just need a little encouragement, a little love, a little guidance. Someone who actually cares about what happens to them (and when I say actually, I mean a real, solid, true caring).

It's hard. Keeping my motivation in mind is hard what with everything else that is going on in my life. And then I'll lay down at night and these things will flood into my mind and I'll get lost thinking about what I should be doing differently, what am I not doing that I should be doing. I think about the what ifs. What if it's not good enough? What if I can't get the right training? What if I can't do it, what if I'm not strong enough to handle these kids? What if I never make it? What if this isn't what I'm suppose to do despite my obvious want to do this?

And then I think of Jenna. And of the stories of the other kids at the group home and I get up the next morning and go to the class I hate, and I come home and I do homework and I study for hours on end. So maybe my motivation is working, but I'm just getting tired of the seemingly endless setbacks from schools and my own professors.

Growing up...

A few of my friends will be getting married in the next four or five months. One in April, three in June, and another in August. A lot of other people I know have gotten engaged or will be getting engaged soon.

*Cue Queen's 'Another One Bites The Dust'*

People I graduated high school with have children, people I went to college with have children or are planning to have children. And here I am, excited about going to Centenary in the fall and graduating to start my masters program.

Is this a part of being 23? The people I mentioned above are no more than a year or so older than me, and some are a year or so younger. Am I suppose to be in the same spot? Looking to get married and start a family despite my goals and dreams of career achievement? Am I suppose to be putting those goals and dreams aside for something that traditional society says I'm suppose to be doing? Because I can't.

Here is my announcement to all that read here: You don't have to get married while in college or just out of college! You can in fact experience the world, learn to support yourself, find out who you are before you get married. That's not what life is all about. It is okay to be older, and more mature before you get married and settled down.

I just wish someone else would recognize that.

Spring Break 2009

Ok, so Connie came in a week ago yesterday to spend spring break up here and I have to tell you - it was the best spring break that I have had since starting college. I didn't go anywhere far, I didn't spend a lot of money, I didn't do anything overly special in fact I worked two days out of the week. But I had a blast just hanging out.

Saturday when Connie got here, Mike, me, Des, Jim and Kate all went out to a brewery and hung out. The place was packed, and the music was way to loud but it was fun all the same. Monday night I had to work, Tuesday was St. Patty's Day and we spent the night in drinking and watching Boondock Saints (oh I want Murphy sooo bad lol! and an epic failure on the appriopriate response of 'is it dead?'). Wednesday night we hung out with Mike and Des at bowling, Thursday I had to work for two hours, but then Connie, Katie, Cory and I all went and saw Watchmen (which makes a lot more sense the second time through).

Friday, Connie and I went into the city to the Museum of Natural History, Central Park, Intrepid Museum and Battery Park to get a pic with the Statue in the background. We really didn't spend as much money as I thought we were going to, considering we spent an hour and a half walking around Central Park getting lost! And then the train ride back was a nightmare but full of great moments that I wish I could fully explain to everyone (like my little mini spasm). Saturday we could barely walk, but Mom managed to get us out of the house and walk around, and then Sunday (today) Connie left for home (and again with train fiascos).

So it wasn't really an eventful week, but I had a blast. I got to hang out with Connie who is a great friend, Katie who is also a great friend, and Mike who is an awesome boyfriend. I think I needed to get away for a few years, and be on my own for a bit before I realized how much Jersey is really my home. How much I'm really and truly meant to be here. Yes I'm glad I went out and experienced Kansas, I will always cherish my memories and friends from there. But there's something special about Jersey. This week proved that. It was the best Spring Break I have ever had and all I had to do was stay here.

I guess I'm just a Jersey girl to the bone. This is where I belong, this is who I am.

Piss off...

So here's the low down with the job...

Tuesday I go in and I have three people inform me that another guard, who is 18 and unexperienced with no where's near my qualifications or certifications, got offered the head guard job. Sorry, Charlie, that's a no fly zone. So after getting very pissed off, I handed in my two week notice. Yep, I quit. So I go in tonight and I'm sitting there and I'm told that basically, them offering me or me being the head guard was a joke that they were pulling on me and that it was never going to happen. Well, this other guard said that once she heard that she denied the job and is looking for another one. But, inversely, I have been called a joke. Everything that I have done for them in the past couple months, and everything that I have worked so hard for, is a joke.

Now this is just the top of the iceberg, there is so much more crap going on with that building and their employees that it would take years to explain it all. (But most of it I've probably already written about.) The end of this story is that I left without telling my boss that I was leaving.

And it took him an hour to realize I was gone.

So he texts me asking why I left, and I sent back a message saying "well if I'm such a joke, I probably shouldn't be on deck. Plus I refuse to accept harrassment from an 18 year old boy." His response? "What joke? What are you talking about?" Um, where are the priorities??

So now that I'm not there, my employer is freaking out and asking me questions and crap. The bottom line is that I've done more for them then they have ever paid me for. And I'm not going to work some place that doesn't respect me. "Rumor"? Yeah right, I can't believe a word that comes from their mouths because I know its all in their best interest and no one else's.

Their pool is unsafe for any number of reasons (take your pic), they don't know what they're doing and once I'm gone for good their just going to be screwed into the ground. End of story. They're loosing too many employees to be successful and those that remain are manipulated and played for everything they're worth.

So to Gold's Gym - PISS OFF!