HAPPY NEW YEAR!

We are officially 9.5 hours from 2009 and I am completely psyched about it all. The last part of this year has sucked, and has been pretty good all at the same time.

I realized I was in a bad relationship and got out of it, only to discover that my friends new it but saw that I was happy and so didn't say anything. Next time, just hit me, please. Now I'm in another relationship, but taking it slow and just letting things happen as they happen and I'm happy with that. I have another semester at County to look forward to, which I think will be good for me, and I'm looking at three schools to put applications into. So hopefully I'll get in somewhere for next fall. Hopefully somewhere close so I can commute and still work (that would be awesome).

I've also determined that I have pretty much the best best friend ever. She listens to me rant and rave and probably tell her the same story eight times and pretends like she's never heard it before (I know your secret!). And she knows what will put me in a good mood. I hope I do the same for her. (Thanks KK!).

Anyway, I'm looking forward to doing things right in 2009. I'm not making any New Year's resolutions, I'm just going to keep going in the direction I'm going and hopefully climb uphill.

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!

Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas everyone! I hope everyone's day went well and that Santa brought you what you wanted. As I've gotten older, I've found that the number of presents falls each year, but that the meaning behind them, now that I understand what my family goes through to get me what I want, grows exponentially.

This year Christmas seems to have sprung up out of nowhere. It still feels like it should be next week and not today. But it was still a good day.

There's really a lot going on in my life right now. Navy boy and I have broken up, and he's not taking it well considering he's still calling me repeatedly. I'm surprisingly doing well, especially since I have someone helping me through it and keeping my mind off of it ;)

Ok, I was going to be philosophical and whatnot, but I'm really too full and too tired to think straight.

Later!

Long time...

So it's been a long time since I've written in here. Usually I do a year in review letter for my birthday, but that didn't really happen. A lot has been going on in the past couple months, and maybe one day I'll fill those interested in, but right now, I'm racing the time left on my battery to write this and whatnot before I have to find an outlet to plug into.

So updates at a later time.

Bothering...

So I found out tonight that my ex-fiance and his new wife (of August) have had their brand new baby boy. Before I continue, let's do the math.
We broke up in September of last year. It's now October, a year later. What does that tell you? Three months and he already had another girl pregnant. That just makes me feel great.
Anyway, so I tell my mother about this tonight, and she asks me why I care. Well duh! It could have been me! I could be the one in a hospital in Kansas holding a baby! Not only that, I was engaged to him. I thought I was really, really and truly in love with this guy and breaking up with him hurt like hell. I cried for days, and was completely distracted from school work and everything I should have been concentrating on for a long time. Then, less then a month later I'm at a party and I see him and his new girlfriend (who he was also living with) together at a party and I know that they are sleeping together. Then in December or January, I find out their engaged. Then in May I find out that she's already quite a few months pregnant and then today she has the baby! It's barely been a fricken year!
Here's how the romantic year went for me:
September - break up with the ex.
November - start dating a new boyfriend (we'll call this the rebound)
January - break up with the rebound. This was a stereotypical Vix break up where I just stop talking to the guy and he gets frustrated and breaks up with me, or something along those lines. Whatever way you look at it, I realized that this wasn't what was supposed to be happening, and that I wasn't in the relationship for the right reasons.
End of August - (emphasis on 'end of') I meet Navy Boy.
It is now a month and 14 days later and I couldn't be happier with anyone, or anything else. He's in Mississippi right now, and I miss him terribly, but I also know that I am in love with an amazing man.
So okay, it took me about a year to get over this relationship, and honestly, I don't think I'm really fully over it because this baby thing is still really bothering me.

I think I got it figured...

I think I finally figured out why I decided to go all the way to Kansas for my first four years of college. It's because my family completely and utterly infuriates me! The blatant favoritism for my brother is so obvious, I don't know why I never saw it before. And all the evidence has been staring me in the face for years! Nearly two and a half decades!

In school, my brother was never pushed to achieve good grades. As long as he didn't fail. And once he entered the public high school, even that went out the window because he was "having problems". Bullshit, he just finally realized that Mom would be there to coddle him the rest of his life and he stopped trying. I, on the other hand, had to achieve as close to perfection as I could. Forget that I might actually have a problem with math, or that I don't have a photographic or auditory memory. No, I had to be great in the academic arena.

Not only that, I had to be great on the field as well. I had to be the best at whatever I did, soccer, band, swimming. I couldn't just be mediocre, as I am. No, I had to be the best, no matter what. Cory on the other hand, who cares?

I was expected to go on to college and do great. So when I didn't do so great, I was a disappointment. Now, I'm home and still trying to work towards graduation, but it's being made all but impossible. First Mom wants me to do a million different things that I don't have time for. Then it's not like I would even be able to study or sleep because Cory has to have his tv turned up so loud that I can't even hear myself think. And forget asking him to turn it down, that just ends us all up in a fight.

And that tv shit is another thing. He's had a tv in his room, with satelite since I was in high school. Me? I have a stereo. I bought my computer with my own money for school. He just has one so he can have one.

Then tonight, he calls out of work because he "doesn't feel good" (aka, he has gas). So Mom and I instead of making dinner, go out and buy dinner because he doesn't want to eat. We go to the grocery store and then come home to find him not here. Mom calls him. He's at a friend's house. She just laughs and says see you later. I would have been told to get my ass home! Fuck that, I would have been ripped up one side and down the other when I got there!

This isn't fair, and no one in my house seems to be able to see that. People walk into the bathroom when I'm in the shower without knocking, people walk into my room unannounced and uninvited and I can't even talk on the phone for more than five seconds without my mother calling me or adding her two sense to a conversation she only hear's one side of!

I am so sick of this shit, but I'm stuck where I am until I graduate. Why? Because I recieve disability and if I move out, I lose that. And if I work full time, I'm never going to have time for school work. It sucks. Big time and I'm sick of all of it.

Women are...

I already have a post called Women are stupid... so I think I'm going to let you be creative and fill in the blank.

I personally think women are bitches. They are self-centered, spoiled, and think they deserve everything. Not only that, they think that men should just bend and mold to exactly what they want, instead of spending the time to go out and find the right guy. What do I mean by this? I woman starts dating a guy and she will do everything in her power over the course of the relationship to change him into what she wants him to be instead of just admitting that he isn't the one for her. Then when the relationship really does end, it's about a million times worse and the guy is left scarred and not knowing who he is (more or less).

Why can't women just not do that? (Sorry about that sentence, there was no other way to put it.) It ruins good men for the rest of us. Because when we find the guy that we really like, and want to be with, he is insecure and worries about not being good enough, and is damaged. Then we have to work through all of that during the course of our relationship.

And it's not just women that do this. Men do this to women, too. And the same thing happens. Why? Why can't we just be happy with who we are and who other people are? Why must we try so hard to change other people? I would hope that you would know what you were getting into when starting a relationship with a person. I would hope that you would know the good, the bad, the differentiating circumstances and everything inbetween before starting a relationship. You shouldn't try to change a person.

I understand he's in the Navy, and that he smokes and that he gets crazy when he has sugar, or caffeine, or alcohol. I understand that he's goofy and childlike at times, that he says what's on his mind, and that every once in a while he needs to express his deepest feelings. I understand all of that, and I love him for it. I wouldn't change anything about him.

I understand that he's insecure because girls in the past have left him because of different aspects of his life. And what I'm trying my hardest to do is to make him understand that I knew all about it going into this, and if I had a problem with any of it, I wouldn't have said yes.

Women are bitches.

Making the grade...

Classes have started, and I think I'm going to be enjoying them. Ends up I have three of my mother's old professors... three out of four. It should be interesting.

I'm really excited about my Adolscent Psychology class. This one is going to be fun. The professor is hilarious and really gets into the deep of things and is completely unafraid to say anything. I think I'm going to get a lot out of this class.
The other classes I'm in are business classes with the exception of the health class, which isn't going to be too overly difficult.

As far as the rest of my life is going, I feel like I spent all week up at Gold's. Between my normal work schedule, and getting there early because I didn't want to drive home between class and work and then certifiying the boys, there wasn't much else to my week. But they said it was all going to pay off when I got my paycheck, which it should. They owe me big time.
Right, so there was the certifying yesterday. I ended up having the two boys, Jon and Joe, their friend Alex and their cousin Ray who is 15. Apparently Ray was asking Jon about me - Does she work here? What's she like? etc. Not only did I overhear part of this conversation, I was also told about it. The part that I was told about later was the fact that Jon said I was his best and favorite guard :) That part made me happy. It's nice to be appreciated.

Eddie came up this weekend to help me with the certification. He was my victim and we really put him through the ringer. But he took it well and it helped me out a lot. He told me over dinner later that he was really impressed with my teaching and was really proud that I could do what I do. He means so much to me...

Anyway... that's all for now, more updates to come.

Updates...

Well, Navy Boy and I are doing quite well. He's coming up to Jersey again this weekend, which I can completely not wait for. Thank God tomorrow is Friday! Other than that...

My classes are scheduled to start soon, so maybe these posts will become a little more insightful and philosophical and whatnot. A little more interesting.

Btw - for all of you that enjoy reading, you should probably pick up Youth In Revolt. It's written in the form of a male 14 year old's journal as he "becomes a man." It's quite good.

~Vix~

It's Over...

Camp that is. Eight weeks of waking up early, teaching four and five lessons everyday then having to sit and guard in the afternoon or give private lessons and then returning home at 4:15 to get up and do it all over again the next day is over. Arguing with kids and persuading kids to get in the water on a cold day or just in general, arguing with counselors who don't do their job, arguing with coworkers who don't do their job is over. The games, the songs, the chants, the hugs, the excitement at the smallest of redundancies, and kids yelling my name because they are so excited to see me is over. And I already miss it.

This summer, as you might have guessed from previous entries, has been the best in recent history. I loved my job more than I can express. It brought me back to the days when I went to camp as a camper. The excitement at the prospect of being able to swim all day, or the urge to do the biggest cannon ball I can muster, and having that crush on that one camp counselor (and he knows who he is) all came rushing back to me in the past eight weeks.

These kids made me laugh, laugh harder and want to go back to being a kid. Saying goodbye to them today was one of the hardest things I have done all summer. Surprisingly I was ok. Until I saw Froggy, one of my older kids, who came up behind me, and said my name in this quiet little voice and when I turned around and saw the tears in his eyes, that was it for me. He was so sad to be leaving camp and as I hugged him I knew exactly how he felt.

I said in all my letters how much I enjoyed each of my kids, and how much fun I had this summer, and that I couldn't wait until next summer. I meant every word of it, no matter how cliche it might have sounded.

Honestly, truly, and from the bottom of my heart, I can't wait for next summer.

Moving on...

So this past weekend I went to a wedding with a friend of mine. Now let me fill you in on something slightly important at this point. Whenever I hear about an engagement, the song "Another One Bites The Dust" goes through my head, so apply that to weddings and you should understand me a little bit better. But it was fun, all the same and I got a chance to hang out with my friend without people asking me to do things or being bothered by my family.

So here's what I thought about in the back of my head this weekend - ideas about how I would like my wedding to go, how much simpler I want my wedding, how I'm not remotely ready to get engaged, and anything that had to do with this subject.

Other than that, this is the last week of camp (yay! and sad face). I've had a great summer. Truly and honestly. This summer brought me back to the simple joys of summer time, and of life, that I had forgotten while being bogged down in college. And despite the fiasco with my foot, it really has been a great summer. I'm going to miss all my kids, each and every one of them has made such an impact on me. From Semaj who wouldn't listen, to the kids that tried their hardest each and every day and progressed by leaps and bounds. I can't wait for next summer to be here so that I can "do it all over again!"

Working...

So I just had a small realization that I would like to share with the part of the internet world that actually reads this:

You know you have a great job when you want to get up in the morning, regardless of what time you have to get up, just to go spend time at a place where 99% of the people around you are under 15. If that didn't make sense, let me explain. I work at a Jewish camp. A Jewish day camp. I teach lessons to kids who range in age from 5 all the way up to 11. Then I do competitive lessons with 12 and 13 year olds. I spend my day talking with "adults" ages 15 to 45. I get annoyed, not by the kids, but by the actual coworkers. I love the kids. They are the reason I get up in the morning. I spend five minutes (usually less) thinking 'Gee, my back kinda hurts, I'm tired, do I really want to get up?' Then I think about all the kids I would miss seeing that day, who would teach my classes and what would they teach because the other instructors teach differently than I do or don't at all. At that point, I smile and get up because I want to see those kids. As much as I sometimes complain about it, I love being recognized outside the pool. I love the kids that come up and hug me because they are so glad I'm there.

To put it simply - I love my job. To the point where I don't care that I'm not being paid well.

Tonight, tonight, it's all tonight...

Ok, so tonight I'm going out. But I can't even say that because it's a camp function up at the JCC. Still, I get to dress up for it and it's going to be fun. A lot of people kept asking me if I was going, which is good, right? One person inparticular, that I'm kinda excited about spending more time with :).

Anyway, that's all for now, I'll update on how it goes, and whatnot later on.

I've been thinking...

Why can't like ever just be simple? Like to the point of 'here's the big red arrow that you follow to your destiny' simple. Or something happening like getting slapped on the back of the head when the right opportunity is passing you by. But I guess that's a little too much to ask, right? Anyway...

Last time I spoke about how I'm ready to date but not ready to say I'm dating someone. And that still holds true, but I've been thinking about that whole thing. Well, a part of it. The part where I actually get to the point of being ready to actually date one person and be in a relationship with that person. My past relationships have been based mainly on a physical component and I'm really sick of that. I've never had a really cute and sweet and innocent relationship where the physical part doesn't really matter. And I want that because deep down inside that's the person I am. Yeah I can be loud at times, yeah I can be a bitch or sexy, but down inside I'm actually quiet, and insecure and shy. I don't like being in front of people I don't know, I get nervous when I have to talk in front of others and a lot of the time I'm happy just sitting off the side and reading or something.

I'm not saying I want a fairy tale, because I don't. I just want something real. I don't want to date for the sake of dating, or to say 'oh yeah, I have a boyfriend'. And I don't want to date with the goal of getting married anytime soon (I would really like to finish school first). But I do want to get back out there to see people, to meet new people, and to maybe, just maybe find the real thing, whatever that may be.

Rambling on...

Ever have those moments when you think one thing, and then suddenly all these other and different thoughts start flooding your mind? Well, that happened to me this past week. I was coming home from work in the middle of the week, after not only being asked to work this weekend, but also being offered a job, and I thought for the first time about what my weekend was going to bring. And that's when every other thought in the world flooded through my brain.

I thought aboutbeing 22, and all the changes that were going on. Going from my current school, to the community college and finally to a local college all in the course of the coming year. Ideas of people I will meet, jobs that I'm being prepped for and all the school work that I have to get A's on just completely overwhelmed me.

To say the least I decided to stay home for this fourth of July weekend despite what other plans I might have had. I think that was the better idea in the long run. I'm torn in what I think I want and what I really want. Despite what I've said in previous posts, I am still happy being single. At the same time, I want to start dating, but not say that I am dating one specific person.

I don't want to look like a whore or like I'm easy or anything. That's totally not what I mean. I mean that I want the chance to find the right person without having to feel like I'm doing something wrong. If any of that made sense.

We'll see...

It's not the world's greatest answer, but then again, it's not the world's worst answer. What's the question you ask? Well, that I cannot tell you. Not because I'm trying to be mean or anything, but really I don't want to start getting my hopes up. I have screwed up really badly here in the past, and I think I've grown up past all that shit. I just hope that I'm right and that he sees that.

It's not a safely, fallback thing. Not anymore because I know he doesn't have to do this. He could say screw you and move on with his life. And if he does, well... that's gonna be a hard pill to swallow.

But I guess those two little words explain it all.

We'll see...

Something slightly annoying...

So I'm checking email tonight and I get on facebook to find that one of my "friends" has invited me to a group called 'The Rebecca Project for Human Rights'. Now I have no idea what this is, so I start reading the group page. Apparently, a group of people in society have decided to take pity on those incarcerated or addicted to drugs and who have children. In case you haven't noticed, I meant mothers.

Let me get this straight. A woman has children. She does drugs. She gets put in jail and I should feel bad for her? No, I feel bad for the children who are now in foster care. But not only that, I should apparently be voting for these same women to be taken out of jail, have their kids returned to them and then given food stamps and medicaid, and other benefits of my tax dollars. And yes, I do pay taxes out of my pay checks, so it is in fact my tax dollars.

No! This is ridiculous!

I had to leave a comment on this page. Some random girl said that most of the women addicted to drugs have been abused in their lifetimes. I'm sorry, you can't use that excuse. My mother, brother and I were all emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abused by my father and none of us are addicted to drugs. Not only that, I know for a fact that my mother has made $10 over what she needs to recieve foodstamps and is therefore denied government assistance. For ten dollars! And still, none of us are addicted to drugs. Furthermore, she had to fight to recieve medicaid assistance for being disabled and diabetic and blind! And now the richest, the whitest, and the "brightest" of our society wants me to just give these benefits, the benefits that people who need them aren't getting, to women who are addicted to drugs? I don't think so!

I don't care what doctors say. Addiction isn't a disease. It's a disorder, and moreso it becomes an excuse for behavior that isn't acceptable. Well I'm sorry. Children of drug addicted mothers belong in better homes where they actually have a chance at a real life and a real future instead of having to grow up taking care of their parents and facing the very real possibility of ending up just like them. And yes, that is exactly what the statistics show.

Goings on...

So despite being totally tired and my hairline being burned, I am loving my job. The kids at this camp are great, mostly well behaved and just fun to play with in the water. I'm have a great time.

There's a lot going on inside my head at the moment, but I'll save that for when I have time this weekend (if I have time this weekend). But I really promise a full mind-emptying blog sometime in the near future!

Camp...

So I still really need to see that movie...

Anyway, onto the actually topic of this post, which is that of the summer camp I'm working at this year! Yes, after the crap I went through with the YMCA, I got a job at a summer camp near me and it looks like it's going to be a lot of fun. How do I know this if I haven't gone to any of the meetings because I didn't work there? Easy. Today was "orientation".

Now I thought that meant orientation for the staff. Boy was I wrong. It was actually orientation for the campers (and their parents) who suffer from separation anxiety, even when their kid is like twelve years old or something. It's actually pretty funny, from the psychology point of view. You definately got to see which had the problem (camper or parent) just by the way each was acting.

I also realize how badly parents really do embarrass their kids. It's completely awful! Seriously, parents were telling us things that they probably never really should. It was badly hilarious. But all we can do is smile and nod and say things like "I'm sure they'll be fine." and "We'll work through it!"

And of course the favorite - "This is going to be a great year, right? Yeah! High five!"

Applebees and the Hott Cop Epic...

Tonight was epic. There's no other word for it. Just completely and utterly epic. And it all started at Katie's.

I got to Katie's around 8ish, and gave her my grand present of playdoh. It's an inside joke, most of you wouldn't get it anyway. So at 10 we head over to Applebees for Katie's first official drink as a legal drinking adult. We both ordered margarita's that were huge and utterly good, as well as the four of us (Kaitlin and Louisa are of course included on this) ordering appetizers and having an all around good time. Louisa still should have hugged the waiter, he was way stressed out (lol).

Afterwards, Katie, Kaitlin and I all swung by Katie's to pick up a couple Mike's Hard Cranberry's then headed up to Turkey Brook to hang out. I swear to God, I was not followed in (I'm driving btw). But suddenly just as I opened the Mike's Hard, I am blinded by bright lights in my rearview mirror and apparently I said something along the lines of "Are you kidding me?" as I stashed the drink. Yes, it was a cop, and all I could think the entire time he was talking to me was 'Holy crap, he's young and he's cute and just keep smiling. hopefully he'll let us off.' All three of us are all "yes sir, no sir" to the point where he makes the comment along the lines of "wow I could get used to this".

Well, he took our licenses back to the squad car with him then returned and I guess he must have thought he scared us or something because he's tells us that we can hang out up here as long as we're good or something like that.

But at one point, he's leaning so close to my window that I seriously could have just leaned like two inches and kissed him. Which if he wasn't a cop and could potentially get us in trouble, I just might have because this guy was H-O-T-T! We talked about it all the way back to Katie's where we finally sat and drank on her front porch.

I'm sure a lot more happened then just that, but the entire night was just completely epic.

~Vix~

Can I Just...

Can i just curl up and disappear for a little while? Scream and cry and go insane? Anything? Anything at all? Please?

These past two days have just been the worse in the world, and most people don't even know half of what's been going on. I found out yesterday that the YMCA that I work for has screwed me over for the third year in a row because I'm not "full time". Forget that I've been working for them for three years. That I come in and work whenever they call and for however long they want me. Forget the fact that I worked opening to closing every Sunday of my highschool career when no one else would. Forget times that I didn't get to sit down and have dinner with my family or went without eating for a day because they kept me longer than I was supposed to be there. Forget the fact that I got certified to instruct and train guards because they wanted me to and the fact that most of their amazing guards were people that I reccommended and trained. Forget all of that, I'm not "full time" and so I don't get the supervisor position that I have worked for and rightfully deserve. No that goes to some barbie doll two years younger than me who has no life and no future and no ambition to do anything else!

So now I have to call around and look like an idiot because I have to try and find a different job for the summer. So I have options, yeah. I'm highly certified and I have seven years of experience behind me. I'm a rare commodity. You see, I actually like my job, which not very many people in my position can say (and I mean job as in guarding and instructing, not the YMCA).

Today was more of scrounging for a job that will pay me what I need to pay my bills, plus trying to get homework done for tonight and tomorrow night, which still hasn't happened in between fielding calls, fixing the leak down in the cellar, going to a doctor's visit and scheduling another one, getting paper work in and trying to talk to eight people at once. Then the mail comes. I didn't get in at Montclair. They tell me to not let it be a reflection on my potential, but what else am I supposed to think at this point? I feel like a failure and like every bad thing people have told me is coming true. I feel like at this point I'm never going to finish college because I'm so sick of classes and not having any money and not being able to do anything. I'm sick of having to read and reread and read again everything I get because I can't retain any of it. I'm tired of being sick and not being able to think straight or talk straight and being tired. I'm sick of it all. I just want to be able to get on with my life and be normal.

My stress level is at it's peak right now and I don't know what to do to get it to go back down. I thought the summer was all planned out, that I knew what was going on and in two days it's all blown up in my face.

Home again...

I'm home. Nothing real exciting has been going on, at least not yet. When something comes up I'll be sure to blog about it, but right now my life consists of the diner with my BFF and the starting of two night classes.

And apparently it's quite obvious that I'm a psych major. Go figure.

Later,
~Vix~

Post May Term Results...

So, May Term has been over for about two days now. I'm still tired, still waking up early and staying at Josh's (as the last entry implies).

Mom asked my Saturday afternoon if I was depressed yet and at the time I was just tired. But now that reality is slowly setting in, I don't really know. I have had some really good times here, and other times have really sucked. But I have made really good friends and I don't want to lose contact with them.

Am I depressed? A little but not quite yet. Will I be? Most likely, especially on the way home. But I can call all these people and talk to them, and over the summer and next year there's always facebook and IM and whatnot. I'm looking forward to the future, even though I am a litte... apprehensive? scared? hesitant?

Alright, my word nerd is showing. I'm out.

I actually feel like a college student...

So the good news is that after four years of college classes, today I actually felt like a college student. I think the funniest part about it is the fact that we weren't even in the classroom today.

Justin and Levi decided that today the class was going to take a field trip so we went to Wichita for lunch and a movie. The movie ended up being the new Ben Stein documentary, Expelled. For those of you who haven't seen it, you should. The documentary is about the fact that free speech is dying in our country when it comes to anything that even remotely resembling something like Christianity and science. Mainly Darwinism versus Intelligent Design (ID).

For those of you who don't know, ID is the idea that the universe and the species were created by an intelligent being (not necessarily God, just any intelligent being) and not by Darwin's idea of natural selection. As it turns out, there are scientists, professors, teachers, respected, highly intelligent people in this world who are being fired, expelled and blackballed because they have mentioned something in papers or speeches about ID. Why? Because other, stupid people who don't know what they are talking about believe that ID refers to the Christian idea of creationism, which it doesn't.

I think my favorite part of the documentary came when Ben was interviewing a fairly well-known scientist, self proclaimed atheist, and author of "The God Delusion," Richard Dawkins. The reason this is my favorite part is because after pretty intense questioning about the origin of life, and where that first particle comes from, Dawkins says something about an alien or some other intelligent being coming down and planting it there. Um... Hello? Do you realize what you just said? I think he does because immediately after that, all he can really answer is "I don't know." "I don't know." "I don't know." Personally if I had read his book, and if I had believed him, I would no longer have any respect for him. In front of millions of people, he not only contradicted himself, but now he can't even back pedal out of it, so all he can say is "I don't know."

It seems that the general populous wants to exclude anything that could even remotely be connected to Christianity from everything, science, society, everything. Even though I support a relative separation of such things, I don't think you can completely discount Christianity from things. It is in fact a part of our society and life whether we believe it or not and trying to eliminate it will eliminate a large part of what makes our society what it is. Take that as you will.

Carpe Diem

No, it's doesn't mean seize the carp... it means seize the day. And it's a wonderful saying to go by. Each day should be a new adventure that we should grab up and take with us.

I was watching Dead Poets Society today, and this comes up early in the movie. Todd is seen contemplating this and moments later writes the English "Seize The Day" in capital letters across the page of a notebook. He stares at it, looks at the pile of textbooks next to him and sighs, ripping the page out and crumpling it up.

I know how he felt right at that moment. I want to seize the day, I want to go out and have an adventure and do something unexpected and memorable, something that might change my life (and maybe the lives of others). The only problem is that I turn around to walk out the door and see my list of things to do, I see those textbooks piled next to me and I sigh and sit back down. I hate it! I want to do something, I want to be out there, I want to go against the tide. But I can't, I have so much crap to do for school, just so that I can attain that goal of a diploma and a future of a masters program and maybe one day even my doctorate. I've been spending every afternoon and evening sitting around doing homework, reading articles and writing papers and I don't have time for anything else.

It hurts, and it makes me sad, but there's nothing I can do to change it. I know my fellow psych majors are in the same boat, as well as a few other friends, but it doesn't make it any less bearable. My dream has turned into something that is harder than I thought it was ever going to be, but the rewards at the end will be worth it (I keep telling myself that, anyways. I can always hope).

Okay, it's late, my brain is fried, and I need sleep.
~Vix~

Movies with the girls....

So anyone who knows me for more than an hour knows that I am a hopelessly romatic, sappy person and it is this reason exactly why I should not watch movies like 27 Dresses. I see that, and the perfect wedding and the perfect happiness and I want that. Maybe not the wedding any time soon, but the boyfriend, the love, the future.

What I hated the most is the fact that the wedding at the end of the movie, Jane's wedding, is the closest thing I have ever seen to the way that I want my wedding to be. If I were to wear a white wedding dress, hers would be the one I would wear.

I know, I'm sappy and sick and it's disgusting, but I truly am an old-fashioned romantic, sighing and wanting sap! Go ahead... make fun.

It's a schoolgirl crush ;)

Okay, this one is kinda girly, so just remember that I'm warning you now...

So I've been watching American Idol. Go ahead and sigh and shake your head. I understand. But anyway...

So the first time I saw David Cook perform, I thought oh, he's good, he's a rocker, that works, it's a little different. But I've been watching him more and more and I'm really starting to get a crush on the guy! It's so weird, cause I usually don't do that type of thing. I mean, yeah I like Jesse Spencer because he's hot and has an amazing accent. But this guy... yeah he's cute, but not overly, he's a self proclaimed "word nerd," and he rocks in the coolest way ever.

He sings and I get chills down my spine. It's utterly amazing. Then I tonight I found out that he's left handed (meaning he plays the guitar upside down) which is like the coolest thing to see a guy do (I'm an uber guitar dork, I apologize). But here's the greatest thing - he's tall. He's like at least 6'0".

Now I'm not turning into some screaming, hysterical fan. That's just completely out of my league, and unlike me. But if I ever had the chance to actually meet him... I don't know, I'd like to think I'd play it cool. And honestly, I think he and I would hit it off. This coming even though I barely know anything about him.

Okay, so it's a little schoolgirl crush. It's not like I'm ever going to meet him or anything. But hey, I can dream right? ;)

It's the water...

So at my college there's a saying "don't drink the [insert girl's dorm here] water." There's also, the shoe factory analogy - "they come to get their souls fixed and come out in pairs." But I'm going to focus on that first one for a moment.

Traditionally, it refers to marriage. This year however, it seems to refer to pregnancy and because of this somewhat drastic change, I'm beginning to think it isn't the water. Nine pregnancies people. Nine! On a "Christian" campus. And those are just the ones we know about.

So why do I say that it might not be the water? Simple. I've been drinking that water for four years and I don't have a ring on my finger and I'm definately not pregnant, and there are other girls in the same boat (in a sea of pressures to find a guy and obtain our Mrs. Degree). We need a different explaination and I've found what it is. THESE PEOPLE CAN'T THINK FOR THEMSELVES!!

Along with the pregnancies this year, we have also had like eleven engagments. Of records for this school this year comes in second (first being the year before I got here and they had fourteen engagements that year, starting the first week of school). It's like as soon as it happens to one person (one "original" thinker) then suddenly everyone else has to follow. No one seems to be able to think this through and just say one special little word. NO! NO NO NONONO!

For those of you who don't have a head on your shoulders, let me think this through for you -
1) You say that financial aid goes up for married couples. This is true, for one very specific reason: you and/or your new spouse are about 50% less likely to finish college! And it's probably the little wife who won't finish because she'll be having kids. And once she starts having kids, she probably will never finish because she'll be raising them and/or trying to work a part time job to help support the family so if she does go back, by the time she can none of the credit she had before getting married will count for anything!
2) Think for a moment about what type of life that child is going to have. Parents that may (or maynot) have a college education, which you need to really and truly survive in this world to make a sustantial amount of money to survive. Does this seem fair? Now I'm not saying that every family has to be rich in order to be happy, nothing near that. But to truly raise and provide for a child at such a young age, you have to wonder if these people are emotionally mature and ready to assume that type of responsibility.

Okay, I might sound pessimistic, and amybe I am, but you have to admit, there are some pretty important things to consider when going into this. Marriage and children are huge, huge commitments and shouldn't be entered into lightly.

This is why I refuse to get engaged before I graduate, and even more so why I'm completely refraining from sex until the time that I a married. Church impressioned views? I think not. I prefer to think of it as experience with deathly frightening scares and realizing that I'm not ready for that type of responsibility. I mean for Pete's sake, I still confire with my mother before making serious decisions (though I'll probably be doing that until the day she dies).

Signing off,
~Vix~

Going Back Home...

You read it right kids, I'm going back to Ol' Jerz. The decision has been made, calls are going out (can't you just hear that beeping and ringing noise that they do in the movies?) and applications are being mailed out to Montclair, and Ramapo.

So this is what I have to accomplish by the end of finals -
-Biofoundations paper is due Thursday.
-Ed Psych case study and the "classroom" brochure is due before the final.
-Get applications and transcripts in the mail so that everything arrives on time.
-Alert the appropriate authorities that I will not be returning.
-Breathe.
-Sleep.

Oh, and of course study for finals, but that comes with the territory of finals week.

I'm excited at the prospect of going home, and not having to drive back out here in August. I will miss all my friends out here, but as the infamous Kathy Glynn told me earlier, they are all just an email, a facebook or a call away.

I'm excited that this is becoming a reality. I wouldn't be able to handle another year out here without wanting to kill myself.

Okay, that was my brief break... back to work!

Convos in Parlor

Tonight I had the rare opportunity to sit out in the Parlor lobby and talk with the girls. This is one of the things that I will miss next year. I've grown closer to these girls and I really enjoy what they have to say and the stories that they share. I like talking to them at the end of the week and catching up with what's been going on in their lives. But back to the point of this entry.

Tonight we were discussing different things that has pissed us off over the years that wouldn't normally happen at another college, but happens here because of the small size and the "Christian" appearance they like to uphold. These things included what happened to me this past week, and something that happened to another girl a year or so ago. What exactly happened isn't important to this entry, what is important is your definition of "Christian".

You see, I was raised to believe that we are not here to judge, but to be judged. Even J.C. himself was not here to judge and tells us that this is a job for the Father in heaven. But apparently some people think that this does not apply to themselves (as far as the judging part) or others (meaning the being judged). Is this the meaning of "Christian"? That the bible applies to everyone but them? That if you're a Christian you can do as you like, believe as you like, because you've dedicated your like to God and therefore are saved without being a nice person? If it is, then I'm missing out on a lot of fun times.

Besides this, I was taught, and I read in the bible that J.C. told us the most important of all the laws was to love your neighbor as yourself. He didn't put stipulations on this. He didn't say love your neighbor as yourself as long as your neighbor isn't gay, or a different race from you, or does things you don't necessarily agree with. It's love your neighbor as yourself, period, end of story, that's it. But there are so many people that just don't want to hear that and it's giving real Christians a bad name, and frankly it sucks.

Now I'm not saying that because I'm a Christian I'm completely sinless. I know that's not true, and everyone around me knows that's not true. However, I also believe that J.C. was first and foremost a man, and that he too made mistakes in his life, just as I have, and every other normal person also has. Alright, you can all gasp and scream and tell me how wrong I am. But let's think about it for a moment. He hung out with prostitutes, and tax collectors, and murderers and theives for Pete's sake. His best friends had been arrested God knows how many times, and yet he still hung out with them. One of them even sold him out to be killed and he forgave them in the end. So are you going to tell me that he didn't get in trouble, or drink a little bit in his 33 years of life? I don't think so. He was, after all, a man.

I said this to the Dean of Academics at my school after he had the balls to criticize my friends. I thought he was going to fall over and die he turned so white. Ever since, he hasn't looked at me the same way. But I don't think it matters what I say. People can say whatever they want, but it has no bearing unless you follow it with actions. I guess that's why I don't listen to people the way other people do. I watch them for what they do, how they act, and what their bodies do. That tells you so much more than if you just listen to them. Words mean next to nothing to me. You want to impress me? Don't do it with how you talk or what you say. Do it with your actions. Do the right thing, don't just say you will.

Signing off,
~Vix~

Is it really worth the frustration?

So in the past week my stress level has probably go from like 75 (on a scale of one to one hundred) to about 120. It sucked and because of that I've been getting annoyed with certain people and not wanting to do anything, especially the work that I know really had to get done. And it's all because of the Habitat crap that they threw at me (which was withdrawen after people heard the entire story). That mixed with the fact that I started off the semester at a high stress level, and I have a monster load of papers that are all partially done and are due in the next week or so, is just kind of killing me. I just sucks.

So when Mom called, she and I briefly discussed transferring to a school back home. And I'm kind of partial to this idea. It will be a lot cheaper if I go and take a semester at CCM and bring up my GPA with a couple classes, and then transfer to another school. Maybe it's because I've been here four years, and I've seen how far downhill this school has gone. Maybe I was too involved my first couple years and I saw the corruption that went on. I don't know, but I do know that it's not worth trying to kill myself to finish here. The funny thing was, this wasn't my idea, it was my mother's.

But she and I are going to discuss this in more detail later tonight, so I will definitely keep you posted on what this Jersey Girl is going to do.

Exciting Days...

So today was slightly more exciting than usual. A friend of mine (who has quickly become one of my closest friends) passed out and had a small seizure in class today. Slightly scary? Absolutely, considering the last seizure I encountered was at work, in a shower and last twenty minutes. But this one didn't last that long and by the time her parents got here to take her to the doctors she was getting back to her old self, though with a headache and a little queasy.

But it got our first class canceled and out of our second class. Which was pretty cool, if I do say so myself.

Now I'm in the library. That's right folks, it's not even 1:00 yet and I'm sitting in a study room by myself with motion sensored lights that I hate working on my papers (I have three due by the end of the sememster, plus three movie reviews). I actually kinda like here (despite the lights). I tend to get more work done than if I was sitting in my room and I don't have people bothering me, because, well, they can never find me.

The only other things I have today is class at 1:10 and a meeting at 3:30, which if I stay in the library area of campus, I don't have to walk far for either of those two things. Plus I can get work done.

I really don't want to go to this meeting. Why, you ask? Well, first of all, who wants to go to a meeting? I mean really. Second we're supposed to be discussing all the crap that happened over spring break, which I'm sick of talking about because it makes me mad. Like, really mad. Pissed is the word I used to describe it yesterday. Of course yesterday I really was pissed because that's when the meeting was supposed to be, but it got canceled because of a stupid light in a stupid car which is apparently more important. But anyway...

So yeah, I get to waste more of my time that I could be using on writing my papers and studying for finals (which are in about two weeks), and instead get to sit in an office getting pissed off, which will distract even further from my actually doing my homework. But who cares, right? Who cares if I don't get shit done or if I have to stay up later than I really should and then am dead tired for class the next day. Who cares?

Okay, before I go any farther, I think I should sign off. Just do me a favor, just keep my friend in mind, and if you are so incline to do, send up a little prayer. Thanks!

~Vix~

Happy being single?

So as a psychologist (or future psychologist) I tell my friends who are whining about relationships and wanting to be in relationships, that if you can't be happy single, then there's no way you're going to be able to make another person happy. And I truly believe that, but you know what - it is so damn hard to stick to it. I want to be in a relationship, but it's not just that. I want to find that one person who is just right for me; no one else, just me.

I know I'm only 22, and I know that I have so much ahead of me in going for my doctorate and whatnot. And I know I shouldn't be drawn in to the fact that all my friends are in relationships, and getting engaged and (for the love of God) getting married. It's just hard to see it all happening around you and not being a part of it.

There are just days that I feel like I'll never find that one guy who is supposed to be the one. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way. I have a year left where I am, then I'll be taking a year off to work, and then starting my masters/doctorate. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know who'll I'll meet. For all I know, I could go over to Ireland and fall for some guy with a sexy Irish accent. Or I'll go someplace else and fall for the last person I expect to.

So I'm watching Fools Ruch In (because it does actually take me a while to write these posts, which explains why they don't usually make much sense) and I see the two main characters slowly fall further and further in love. After Alex meets Isabelle's family he goes into a monologue about how earlier in the day he couldn't decide between a Texas Burger and a Tuna Melt, and he didn't know who he was, but it all made sense. Then later that day he finally knew who he was and what he wanted and nothing made sense anymore. I want that. As sappy as it sounds (and yes I am in fact that sappy) I want that!

So here's what I want in a guy - I don't care about hair or eye color, for that matter he doesn't have to be spectacularly hot, somewhat good looking would be nice though. I want him to be at least three inches taller than I am (I'm 5'10" and I want to be able to wear heels every now and then) and I want him a little bit older than me (like two years, maybe three). That last one isn't going to happen where I am now, unless some non-traditional senior transfers in, whcih I don't think is going to happen. I just want a guy who is nice and sweet, and can make me laugh, truly laugh. But also someone who will know when I want to have someone around and when I need to be alone. Who can treat me like a lady, but allow me to keep my independence.

Alright, I'm tired. And I have a lot to do this week, so you might not hear from me until next weekend unless something big happens. But as for now, I'm signing off.

~Vix~

Life is a Formal... or something

Tonight was formal, and even though plans didn't work out exactly as I would have liked, I still had a blast. A friend of mine (a girl) went as my "date" and we joined my roommate and her boyfriend, and our neighbor and her friend that she went with freshman year when they were dating. The fact that I didn't have a real date gave me the excuse to dance with pretty much anyone I wanted, which was very nice.

Last year I didn't go to formal, because the guy I was dating at the time didn't want to go, and I have regretted it ever since. So this year, I was going no matter what. I am so glad I did. I had a beautiful red dress (I might post the pic) and I must say, I think I looked hott. I had a blast.

I was especially glad to dance with one of friends, a guy who I have math with. He's younger than I am, but I'm getting to the place in my life where I'm beginning to give up on the whole age issue. Honestly in a few years time, it won't matter, so why should it matter so much now? But back to the story. I'm kinda interested. I don't know if I'm totally interested, or if I'm just vaguely interested. He's a nice guy, an extremely nice guy, and he's in tune with God and how a girl should be treated. He's sweet and kind, if you couldn't already tell. And he makes me laugh. Plus he's taller than I am, even when I'm in heels, which works out pretty well. But I'm afraid that because of the age thing, and that I don't think he's interested like that, I'm hesitant to say anything.

I mean, I help him a lot in math (I guess I could be called his tutor) and we don't really hang out with the same people, though we do have mutual acquaintances. I don't know! All I know is that I have to work on finishing school. Granted I'm going to take a year off between undergrad and grad school, but I need to finish the undergrad first. I have a year left, what's the point of getting into anything when I only have a year left.

Besides, we live on two totally different sides of the United States. And am I really ready to get into something right now? People are still talking about all the Travis crap. Just talking about it kind of annoys me, but there's not much I can do about it. Just wait for it to pass over.

A friend of mine mentioned about it being awkward if Travis was at the dance tonight. I said the only person who would make it awkward would be him. That I was over it already. He looked at me strangely, but didn't say anything more about it. I just don't understand what's so hard to believe about that. I just wish people would stop talking about it and would just let it fall into oblivion like I want it to.

I don't know... this is what's going on in my life right now. These are the stupid things I worry about deep down inside. It's just that when this guy hugged me tonight, after we shared a dance, it kinda felt right. And before I walked away, he squeezed my hands, and looked into my eyes. Maybe I'm just looking for someone to be with, because I didn't quite get the warm guitar feeling. I guess for right now I'm just going to go with the flow. I am happy being single, don't get me wrong. But there are times, especially around holidays, or dances, or spring when you see all the couples, and it's just shoved in your face. It makes being single a little harder.

Alright, it's almost 2 in the morning, and I am exhausted. So here I am... signing off.

~Vix~

Life.... as we know it

So for those of you who actually read this, and I'm sure there aren't many, you might remember in my first post I was talking about wanting to ask a guy to formal and having mixed feelings about such things. Well, I asked him. And you should be proud I did that. I did it through text messaging and we haven't actually talked about it face to face, but does it really matter? I asked him, so that's good enough.

So we were talking about it tonight online, (a friend of mine and I kinda tagged teamed him). To her he brought up the thought of his girlfriend might give him a problem about it, and not wanting to cheat or feel like he's cheating. And I'm just sitting here going... I asked you, specifically, as a friend. I mean, I can understand the thought, but seriously people, if you trust each other, going to a dance with another girl as a friend shouldn't be a big deal. Am I right or am I wrong?

I don't know. A lot of the time I just think people over think things, and take life too seriously instead of just relaxing and having fun every once in a while. I'm not saying cheat on your boyfriend/girlfriend, but go and have a life outside of your significant other, hang with friends of both sexes and just have fun.

Anyway... my friend and I have decided that guys are stupid, and I still don't have an answer from my friend. At the same time, despite what he says, I'm going to go and have fun. I have a beautiful red dress that I am in love with and that I look great in and all my friends are going to be there. Carpe Diem!

"I could scarcely bid you good bye even in a letter. I always made an awkward bow." - John Keats

So I read this quote two or three years ago in a British Literature class. When I read it all these images flooded my mind and overwhelmed my senses. So vividly I saw this image that has followed me these few years. One that I would like to share. If you would, close your eyes (when you finish reading of course) and let me describe to you what this means to me.

Picture an empty stage, with one spotlight shining straight down in the center. From the sides (which side it doesn't matter) you hear the lopsided thump of a walk with a cane. Into the light appears a tall, thin older gentleman, in full tails and a top hat. He stands tall, his chin up, but you can see the age in his weathered skin and smiling eyes.

He stops center stage, turning to face the audience with a click of his shiny shoes. He holds the cane under his left arm, sweeping the top hat from his white head. He doesn't give the traditional, bend at the waist bow. Instead, and much to the surprise of anyone watching, he hops into the air, right heel hitting the floor in front on him, hat arm sweeping out and back. He bows deeply, his nose nearly touching the toes of his right foot. He then stands, just as tall as before, a smiling playing on his lips. He returns his cane to the floor, and slowly limps from the stage and out of hearing range.

The stage goes black.

Graduating... or trying to

So I'm trying to graduate from college. And it's taking longer than I thought. Yes, I have joined the ranks of fifth year seniors. Super seniors, as I like to say (because then I can be a dork and laugh it off as I strike a pose).

The sad part of this entire trip is that I currently have the next year of my life planned. I know what hours I'll be working this summer, I know what classes I'm taking this summer, and next semester... pretty much everything. Now I like having stuff planned, and knowing what I'm doing on a day to day basis, but I think this is going a little far.

This summer is going to be a combination of ultra coolness, and total suck. Coolness because I get to finally go bar-hopping with my best friend. This summer is my last as an undergrad and I'm going to make it the best I can. First stop for Katie and I - Kennedy's and then the diner because there is no better place to go when you're drunk then the BLD. But on the other side, my summer starts by my staying in Kansas for an extra month to take History and Philosophy of Psych. By the time I get home, I'll be starting not one, but two classes at CCM as well as working full time for the Y. I'm not too happy about this, but there isn't any other way that I'm going to be able to graduate.

On a totally different note, I was going through my friends on facebook and found one that... Well, I guess it's going to take some explaining. I know this person through a comination of my brother (boyscounts), school (we went to the same high school for a year) and work (we worked together for a summer). We know each other, but have never been overly friendly, but he requested me as a friend on facebook, and like most cases, we've never spoken or posted or anything. I guess a big part of this was because I never really liked his friends, and they never really liked me. They were actually a source of great frustration in high school (they made fun of everyone and we had a few fights and arguments).
Anyway... I had always hoped that he would grow up and grow apart from those people, and from what I've been hearing recently, it seems he has. The last time I was home I saw him and we had one of those small chat, hey how are you doing conversations. I guess I'm just kinda wary about him. I don't really know where I'm going with this right now, but he's always been one of those people that everything he does on the surface is for show and so that he fits in with those that are cool, but I know he's not really like that (and it doesn't hurt that he's kinda cute, too).
So I'm going to be taking these classes at County, four night a week, and I'm kinda worried about running into him. I probably shouldn't be worred about it, because it's probably not going to happen.

I could just go back and erase all of this, but what's the point of a blog if I do that? It's what's on my mind.

I'll get back to you later.

FInding Love

So I was talking to a friend of mine online the other night about guitars and how much we love playing and we love out instruments, and whatnot... and my poetic side came out. No, I didn't write anything, but I came up with this great analogy -

So I remember the day I actually bought my guitar. I was out with my mother and we decided to go down to the guitar store in Totowa. I didn't think I was going to buy one that day, but I was browsing through and saw this beautiful , nylon-stringed, classical guitar. It was natural wood (no shine or anything) a little darker in color, with a red and black ring of butterflies around the sound hole. It was amazing and I fell in love with it the second I saw it. I took it down and grabbed a stool. I started playing and a warmth spread through me, and any headache, backache, any bad feeling disappeared.

And I get that feeling every time I pick up my guitar. It just makes me feel better; it makes me happy.

I think that's what love is like. You know if you've found the right person because just being around them makes you feel better about yourself, and life and everything. You get a warm feeling when you touch them. I also think that you will just know who the one is the second you see them. Whether its someone you've seen a thousand times before and just one day you look at them differently, or someone you've just met or see on the street and you just know that that is the person who is going to keep you happy for the rest of your life.

So I've found my guitar, but I haven't found the guy. Big surprise, right?

Anyone have any thoughts?

Frightened or Nervous?

Am I nervous or frightened? Will you help me decide?

I'm sitting here on my bed, and I've been staring at my computer for hours, hoping that the answers to all my questions will just magically appear on the screen like some sign from God. But so far there has been no sign, and no magically appearing words. So I'm stuck typing out my obsure and sometimes nonsense thoughts in a blog.

You see, there's a guy that I kinda have a crush on. Names of which won't be named (in order to protect the incredibly guilty). I kinda flirt with him, he kinda flirts with me. But here we run into problem number one. He kinda flirts with a couple girls. But sometimes it seems he picks on me a little more than the others. Or I could just present a few more opportunities. But that's not the point.

I really want to ask him to watch a movie, or even to spring formal, but I'm scared that he'll say no and I'll end up looking like a complete moron. I mean, I've embarrassed myself enough in my life to last me a couple lifetimes, so I don't really feel like doing it again. On the other side, if I don't do anything, what if he does like me, or is potentially interested, then something great could be missed out on. And if I don't do anything, I'll go the rest of my time here not knowing if there was something there or not.

But then I don't want to look overeager, because I was just dumped about a week ago, though I was kinda ready for it to happen, but was still a little surprised because I was going to give the relationship another chance and the voicemail he left wasn't exactly what I was expecting. I know the relationship probably wasn't one of my better ideas and I now that I think about it, it really wasn't my idea. I don't know if I was ever really into the idea of him and I dating, I don't know if I ever really had a choice... he just kissed me and then apparently we were going out and it was this huge big deal. I don't even know if this is relevent to the topic at hand, but it's inside my head, bouncing around and bothering me.

Another side of this is that I want to be pursued! I want the guy to come and ask me out and be at least slightly romantic about the whole thing. I don't think I've ever actually been asked out, or asked to be someone's girlfriend. It always just was. And you know what? I'm sick of it. I want to be pursued and romaticized and treated like a princess. But at the same time I want to be treated like a normal person. I want to be understood. I want the person I'm with to understand that when I'm stressed out I don't want to talk to anyone because my temper is short and I don't want to say anything that I'll regret later. I want them to understand that and not get annoyed or mad or break up with me. I want them to know that I'm overly passionate at times and that I say and do things without fully thinking about it first. That I love to pick on people and if you open the door, I'm going to walk through and that I expect that in return, but not in a hurtful way. I want someone who isn't going to bring up my past relationships, knowing that it hurts when I think about them and the mistakes that I admit that I have made in the past. I want someone who will think of me at random times during the day, and every once in a while let me know that, but who won't freak out if they don't hear from me in a day, and won't worry, or not be able to function if they don't talk to me.

Am I asking too much?

But back to the point... I don't want to be frightened of this person. I don't know if I should ask him to do something or just drop a hint, or just sit and wait to see if he'll do something first. I need help, I need advice, and sometimes I just don't think that I can talk to the people around me about this type of thing.

Blargh.