So for those of you who actually read this, and I'm sure there aren't many, you might remember in my first post I was talking about wanting to ask a guy to formal and having mixed feelings about such things. Well, I asked him. And you should be proud I did that. I did it through text messaging and we haven't actually talked about it face to face, but does it really matter? I asked him, so that's good enough.
So we were talking about it tonight online, (a friend of mine and I kinda tagged teamed him). To her he brought up the thought of his girlfriend might give him a problem about it, and not wanting to cheat or feel like he's cheating. And I'm just sitting here going... I asked you, specifically, as a friend. I mean, I can understand the thought, but seriously people, if you trust each other, going to a dance with another girl as a friend shouldn't be a big deal. Am I right or am I wrong?
I don't know. A lot of the time I just think people over think things, and take life too seriously instead of just relaxing and having fun every once in a while. I'm not saying cheat on your boyfriend/girlfriend, but go and have a life outside of your significant other, hang with friends of both sexes and just have fun.
Anyway... my friend and I have decided that guys are stupid, and I still don't have an answer from my friend. At the same time, despite what he says, I'm going to go and have fun. I have a beautiful red dress that I am in love with and that I look great in and all my friends are going to be there. Carpe Diem!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
"I could scarcely bid you good bye even in a letter. I always made an awkward bow." - John Keats
So I read this quote two or three years ago in a British Literature class. When I read it all these images flooded my mind and overwhelmed my senses. So vividly I saw this image that has followed me these few years. One that I would like to share. If you would, close your eyes (when you finish reading of course) and let me describe to you what this means to me.
Picture an empty stage, with one spotlight shining straight down in the center. From the sides (which side it doesn't matter) you hear the lopsided thump of a walk with a cane. Into the light appears a tall, thin older gentleman, in full tails and a top hat. He stands tall, his chin up, but you can see the age in his weathered skin and smiling eyes.
He stops center stage, turning to face the audience with a click of his shiny shoes. He holds the cane under his left arm, sweeping the top hat from his white head. He doesn't give the traditional, bend at the waist bow. Instead, and much to the surprise of anyone watching, he hops into the air, right heel hitting the floor in front on him, hat arm sweeping out and back. He bows deeply, his nose nearly touching the toes of his right foot. He then stands, just as tall as before, a smiling playing on his lips. He returns his cane to the floor, and slowly limps from the stage and out of hearing range.
The stage goes black.
So I read this quote two or three years ago in a British Literature class. When I read it all these images flooded my mind and overwhelmed my senses. So vividly I saw this image that has followed me these few years. One that I would like to share. If you would, close your eyes (when you finish reading of course) and let me describe to you what this means to me.
Picture an empty stage, with one spotlight shining straight down in the center. From the sides (which side it doesn't matter) you hear the lopsided thump of a walk with a cane. Into the light appears a tall, thin older gentleman, in full tails and a top hat. He stands tall, his chin up, but you can see the age in his weathered skin and smiling eyes.
He stops center stage, turning to face the audience with a click of his shiny shoes. He holds the cane under his left arm, sweeping the top hat from his white head. He doesn't give the traditional, bend at the waist bow. Instead, and much to the surprise of anyone watching, he hops into the air, right heel hitting the floor in front on him, hat arm sweeping out and back. He bows deeply, his nose nearly touching the toes of his right foot. He then stands, just as tall as before, a smiling playing on his lips. He returns his cane to the floor, and slowly limps from the stage and out of hearing range.
The stage goes black.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Graduating... or trying to
So I'm trying to graduate from college. And it's taking longer than I thought. Yes, I have joined the ranks of fifth year seniors. Super seniors, as I like to say (because then I can be a dork and laugh it off as I strike a pose).
The sad part of this entire trip is that I currently have the next year of my life planned. I know what hours I'll be working this summer, I know what classes I'm taking this summer, and next semester... pretty much everything. Now I like having stuff planned, and knowing what I'm doing on a day to day basis, but I think this is going a little far.
This summer is going to be a combination of ultra coolness, and total suck. Coolness because I get to finally go bar-hopping with my best friend. This summer is my last as an undergrad and I'm going to make it the best I can. First stop for Katie and I - Kennedy's and then the diner because there is no better place to go when you're drunk then the BLD. But on the other side, my summer starts by my staying in Kansas for an extra month to take History and Philosophy of Psych. By the time I get home, I'll be starting not one, but two classes at CCM as well as working full time for the Y. I'm not too happy about this, but there isn't any other way that I'm going to be able to graduate.
On a totally different note, I was going through my friends on facebook and found one that... Well, I guess it's going to take some explaining. I know this person through a comination of my brother (boyscounts), school (we went to the same high school for a year) and work (we worked together for a summer). We know each other, but have never been overly friendly, but he requested me as a friend on facebook, and like most cases, we've never spoken or posted or anything. I guess a big part of this was because I never really liked his friends, and they never really liked me. They were actually a source of great frustration in high school (they made fun of everyone and we had a few fights and arguments).
Anyway... I had always hoped that he would grow up and grow apart from those people, and from what I've been hearing recently, it seems he has. The last time I was home I saw him and we had one of those small chat, hey how are you doing conversations. I guess I'm just kinda wary about him. I don't really know where I'm going with this right now, but he's always been one of those people that everything he does on the surface is for show and so that he fits in with those that are cool, but I know he's not really like that (and it doesn't hurt that he's kinda cute, too).
So I'm going to be taking these classes at County, four night a week, and I'm kinda worried about running into him. I probably shouldn't be worred about it, because it's probably not going to happen.
I could just go back and erase all of this, but what's the point of a blog if I do that? It's what's on my mind.
I'll get back to you later.
The sad part of this entire trip is that I currently have the next year of my life planned. I know what hours I'll be working this summer, I know what classes I'm taking this summer, and next semester... pretty much everything. Now I like having stuff planned, and knowing what I'm doing on a day to day basis, but I think this is going a little far.
This summer is going to be a combination of ultra coolness, and total suck. Coolness because I get to finally go bar-hopping with my best friend. This summer is my last as an undergrad and I'm going to make it the best I can. First stop for Katie and I - Kennedy's and then the diner because there is no better place to go when you're drunk then the BLD. But on the other side, my summer starts by my staying in Kansas for an extra month to take History and Philosophy of Psych. By the time I get home, I'll be starting not one, but two classes at CCM as well as working full time for the Y. I'm not too happy about this, but there isn't any other way that I'm going to be able to graduate.
On a totally different note, I was going through my friends on facebook and found one that... Well, I guess it's going to take some explaining. I know this person through a comination of my brother (boyscounts), school (we went to the same high school for a year) and work (we worked together for a summer). We know each other, but have never been overly friendly, but he requested me as a friend on facebook, and like most cases, we've never spoken or posted or anything. I guess a big part of this was because I never really liked his friends, and they never really liked me. They were actually a source of great frustration in high school (they made fun of everyone and we had a few fights and arguments).
Anyway... I had always hoped that he would grow up and grow apart from those people, and from what I've been hearing recently, it seems he has. The last time I was home I saw him and we had one of those small chat, hey how are you doing conversations. I guess I'm just kinda wary about him. I don't really know where I'm going with this right now, but he's always been one of those people that everything he does on the surface is for show and so that he fits in with those that are cool, but I know he's not really like that (and it doesn't hurt that he's kinda cute, too).
So I'm going to be taking these classes at County, four night a week, and I'm kinda worried about running into him. I probably shouldn't be worred about it, because it's probably not going to happen.
I could just go back and erase all of this, but what's the point of a blog if I do that? It's what's on my mind.
I'll get back to you later.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
FInding Love
So I was talking to a friend of mine online the other night about guitars and how much we love playing and we love out instruments, and whatnot... and my poetic side came out. No, I didn't write anything, but I came up with this great analogy -
So I remember the day I actually bought my guitar. I was out with my mother and we decided to go down to the guitar store in Totowa. I didn't think I was going to buy one that day, but I was browsing through and saw this beautiful , nylon-stringed, classical guitar. It was natural wood (no shine or anything) a little darker in color, with a red and black ring of butterflies around the sound hole. It was amazing and I fell in love with it the second I saw it. I took it down and grabbed a stool. I started playing and a warmth spread through me, and any headache, backache, any bad feeling disappeared.
And I get that feeling every time I pick up my guitar. It just makes me feel better; it makes me happy.
I think that's what love is like. You know if you've found the right person because just being around them makes you feel better about yourself, and life and everything. You get a warm feeling when you touch them. I also think that you will just know who the one is the second you see them. Whether its someone you've seen a thousand times before and just one day you look at them differently, or someone you've just met or see on the street and you just know that that is the person who is going to keep you happy for the rest of your life.
So I've found my guitar, but I haven't found the guy. Big surprise, right?
Anyone have any thoughts?
So I remember the day I actually bought my guitar. I was out with my mother and we decided to go down to the guitar store in Totowa. I didn't think I was going to buy one that day, but I was browsing through and saw this beautiful , nylon-stringed, classical guitar. It was natural wood (no shine or anything) a little darker in color, with a red and black ring of butterflies around the sound hole. It was amazing and I fell in love with it the second I saw it. I took it down and grabbed a stool. I started playing and a warmth spread through me, and any headache, backache, any bad feeling disappeared.
And I get that feeling every time I pick up my guitar. It just makes me feel better; it makes me happy.
I think that's what love is like. You know if you've found the right person because just being around them makes you feel better about yourself, and life and everything. You get a warm feeling when you touch them. I also think that you will just know who the one is the second you see them. Whether its someone you've seen a thousand times before and just one day you look at them differently, or someone you've just met or see on the street and you just know that that is the person who is going to keep you happy for the rest of your life.
So I've found my guitar, but I haven't found the guy. Big surprise, right?
Anyone have any thoughts?
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Frightened or Nervous?
Am I nervous or frightened? Will you help me decide?
I'm sitting here on my bed, and I've been staring at my computer for hours, hoping that the answers to all my questions will just magically appear on the screen like some sign from God. But so far there has been no sign, and no magically appearing words. So I'm stuck typing out my obsure and sometimes nonsense thoughts in a blog.
You see, there's a guy that I kinda have a crush on. Names of which won't be named (in order to protect the incredibly guilty). I kinda flirt with him, he kinda flirts with me. But here we run into problem number one. He kinda flirts with a couple girls. But sometimes it seems he picks on me a little more than the others. Or I could just present a few more opportunities. But that's not the point.
I really want to ask him to watch a movie, or even to spring formal, but I'm scared that he'll say no and I'll end up looking like a complete moron. I mean, I've embarrassed myself enough in my life to last me a couple lifetimes, so I don't really feel like doing it again. On the other side, if I don't do anything, what if he does like me, or is potentially interested, then something great could be missed out on. And if I don't do anything, I'll go the rest of my time here not knowing if there was something there or not.
But then I don't want to look overeager, because I was just dumped about a week ago, though I was kinda ready for it to happen, but was still a little surprised because I was going to give the relationship another chance and the voicemail he left wasn't exactly what I was expecting. I know the relationship probably wasn't one of my better ideas and I now that I think about it, it really wasn't my idea. I don't know if I was ever really into the idea of him and I dating, I don't know if I ever really had a choice... he just kissed me and then apparently we were going out and it was this huge big deal. I don't even know if this is relevent to the topic at hand, but it's inside my head, bouncing around and bothering me.
Another side of this is that I want to be pursued! I want the guy to come and ask me out and be at least slightly romantic about the whole thing. I don't think I've ever actually been asked out, or asked to be someone's girlfriend. It always just was. And you know what? I'm sick of it. I want to be pursued and romaticized and treated like a princess. But at the same time I want to be treated like a normal person. I want to be understood. I want the person I'm with to understand that when I'm stressed out I don't want to talk to anyone because my temper is short and I don't want to say anything that I'll regret later. I want them to understand that and not get annoyed or mad or break up with me. I want them to know that I'm overly passionate at times and that I say and do things without fully thinking about it first. That I love to pick on people and if you open the door, I'm going to walk through and that I expect that in return, but not in a hurtful way. I want someone who isn't going to bring up my past relationships, knowing that it hurts when I think about them and the mistakes that I admit that I have made in the past. I want someone who will think of me at random times during the day, and every once in a while let me know that, but who won't freak out if they don't hear from me in a day, and won't worry, or not be able to function if they don't talk to me.
Am I asking too much?
But back to the point... I don't want to be frightened of this person. I don't know if I should ask him to do something or just drop a hint, or just sit and wait to see if he'll do something first. I need help, I need advice, and sometimes I just don't think that I can talk to the people around me about this type of thing.
Blargh.
I'm sitting here on my bed, and I've been staring at my computer for hours, hoping that the answers to all my questions will just magically appear on the screen like some sign from God. But so far there has been no sign, and no magically appearing words. So I'm stuck typing out my obsure and sometimes nonsense thoughts in a blog.
You see, there's a guy that I kinda have a crush on. Names of which won't be named (in order to protect the incredibly guilty). I kinda flirt with him, he kinda flirts with me. But here we run into problem number one. He kinda flirts with a couple girls. But sometimes it seems he picks on me a little more than the others. Or I could just present a few more opportunities. But that's not the point.
I really want to ask him to watch a movie, or even to spring formal, but I'm scared that he'll say no and I'll end up looking like a complete moron. I mean, I've embarrassed myself enough in my life to last me a couple lifetimes, so I don't really feel like doing it again. On the other side, if I don't do anything, what if he does like me, or is potentially interested, then something great could be missed out on. And if I don't do anything, I'll go the rest of my time here not knowing if there was something there or not.
But then I don't want to look overeager, because I was just dumped about a week ago, though I was kinda ready for it to happen, but was still a little surprised because I was going to give the relationship another chance and the voicemail he left wasn't exactly what I was expecting. I know the relationship probably wasn't one of my better ideas and I now that I think about it, it really wasn't my idea. I don't know if I was ever really into the idea of him and I dating, I don't know if I ever really had a choice... he just kissed me and then apparently we were going out and it was this huge big deal. I don't even know if this is relevent to the topic at hand, but it's inside my head, bouncing around and bothering me.
Another side of this is that I want to be pursued! I want the guy to come and ask me out and be at least slightly romantic about the whole thing. I don't think I've ever actually been asked out, or asked to be someone's girlfriend. It always just was. And you know what? I'm sick of it. I want to be pursued and romaticized and treated like a princess. But at the same time I want to be treated like a normal person. I want to be understood. I want the person I'm with to understand that when I'm stressed out I don't want to talk to anyone because my temper is short and I don't want to say anything that I'll regret later. I want them to understand that and not get annoyed or mad or break up with me. I want them to know that I'm overly passionate at times and that I say and do things without fully thinking about it first. That I love to pick on people and if you open the door, I'm going to walk through and that I expect that in return, but not in a hurtful way. I want someone who isn't going to bring up my past relationships, knowing that it hurts when I think about them and the mistakes that I admit that I have made in the past. I want someone who will think of me at random times during the day, and every once in a while let me know that, but who won't freak out if they don't hear from me in a day, and won't worry, or not be able to function if they don't talk to me.
Am I asking too much?
But back to the point... I don't want to be frightened of this person. I don't know if I should ask him to do something or just drop a hint, or just sit and wait to see if he'll do something first. I need help, I need advice, and sometimes I just don't think that I can talk to the people around me about this type of thing.
Blargh.
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