Can I Just...

Can i just curl up and disappear for a little while? Scream and cry and go insane? Anything? Anything at all? Please?

These past two days have just been the worse in the world, and most people don't even know half of what's been going on. I found out yesterday that the YMCA that I work for has screwed me over for the third year in a row because I'm not "full time". Forget that I've been working for them for three years. That I come in and work whenever they call and for however long they want me. Forget the fact that I worked opening to closing every Sunday of my highschool career when no one else would. Forget times that I didn't get to sit down and have dinner with my family or went without eating for a day because they kept me longer than I was supposed to be there. Forget the fact that I got certified to instruct and train guards because they wanted me to and the fact that most of their amazing guards were people that I reccommended and trained. Forget all of that, I'm not "full time" and so I don't get the supervisor position that I have worked for and rightfully deserve. No that goes to some barbie doll two years younger than me who has no life and no future and no ambition to do anything else!

So now I have to call around and look like an idiot because I have to try and find a different job for the summer. So I have options, yeah. I'm highly certified and I have seven years of experience behind me. I'm a rare commodity. You see, I actually like my job, which not very many people in my position can say (and I mean job as in guarding and instructing, not the YMCA).

Today was more of scrounging for a job that will pay me what I need to pay my bills, plus trying to get homework done for tonight and tomorrow night, which still hasn't happened in between fielding calls, fixing the leak down in the cellar, going to a doctor's visit and scheduling another one, getting paper work in and trying to talk to eight people at once. Then the mail comes. I didn't get in at Montclair. They tell me to not let it be a reflection on my potential, but what else am I supposed to think at this point? I feel like a failure and like every bad thing people have told me is coming true. I feel like at this point I'm never going to finish college because I'm so sick of classes and not having any money and not being able to do anything. I'm sick of having to read and reread and read again everything I get because I can't retain any of it. I'm tired of being sick and not being able to think straight or talk straight and being tired. I'm sick of it all. I just want to be able to get on with my life and be normal.

My stress level is at it's peak right now and I don't know what to do to get it to go back down. I thought the summer was all planned out, that I knew what was going on and in two days it's all blown up in my face.